Naysayers Be Damned!

At the end of each year, we see lists from various media outlets naming the celebrities lost during that year. 2015 was the first year in recent memory that I didn’t attend a funeral for a family member. Instead I mourned the loss of someone so close to me, so dear to me that the words are difficult to write. I lost my dad.

My father is very much alive but suffering from dementia among other illnesses. In late October, I had to place him in a care facility because I could no longer care for him. Visiting him several times each week is unpleasant but very necessary. It helps the staff know he has family who cares about his well being and will be looking out for him.

Some days he’s in full control of mental faculties. Other days he thinks he’s in a prison and needs to escape or he’s in a casino with no money and wanting to gamble. No matter his mental state, it’s difficult to see the man I’ve worshipped my entire life unable to walk, unable to control his body and not in his right mind.

My husband is facing the same issues with his mother in Mississippi. He’s there back and forth staying months at a time caring for her, straightening out her finances and going back forth to the emergency room when necessary. This is no small feat given the closest real hospital is a little over 40 miles away from her home.

It's a very interesting turn of events when you as the child having been cared for by your parents now suddenly become the caregiver. There is no preparation for that transition. Even when you watch your parents become less mobile, you are unprepared when they become more childlike day after day.

My husband and I talk daily about our respective situations and wondering when situations will change. We are aware that neither parent is going to get better. We know that both parents could be in their current states for weeks or months or years. We know that it is important for us to keep communicating with each other, supporting each other and loving each other. And we know that we have to keep telling the naysayers to piss off when they start talking.

You know the naysayers. Those people who have no understanding of what’s going on but deride you for putting your parents in a home. Those people who won’t have to face similar circumstances but feel free to comment on your circumstance. Those people who don’t visit or rarely visit, don’t offer to help but are quick to ask why you can’t seem to find time for social gatherings or lengthy phone calls.

My dad has several friends who’ve visited him once since October. When I’m at the facility and calling them so he can converse, they shuffle him off the phone and then text me that they’re unable to talk. My cousins have also visited just once and when I ask about follow-up visits, the silence greeting my question is deafening. Yes, I know the excuses beginning with the ever present "I'm busy." Guess what, nobody is that busy. Is it difficult seeing someone who was once so vibrant sitting in a home in a wheelchair? Absolutely! But that no excuse either. Having visitors helps him mentally and physically. And if that person is important to you, you'll suck it up and find the time.

His wife sees him daily and often calls me to complain about how abusive he is when she visits. Of course he’s abusive. He knows he’s not at home. He knows that his independence is gone. He no longer has an edit button in his brain so he curses and fusses about his situation. He’s angry and he takes it out on the both of us. I’ve learned to not take it personally because he’s where he needs to be for 24-hour care. She, on the other hand, says she doesn’t have my strength, can’t let it go and ends each visit in tears. She says her doctor tells her to stop getting emotional or she’ll have another stroke. Me, I’ve already had one stroke and I’ll be damned if anyone including the father I love so dearly, will cause me to have another one.

In Mississippi, my husband is going through a similar situation. He has relatives who live two hours away but won’t come and relieve him so he can rest. When his mother gets sick, they call him knowing we live more than 800 miles away when they live the next state over. They won’t come and care for his mom so he can come home to make his doctor appointments. I’ve rescheduled doctor visits and medical tests. I pray he can come home before his health problems get the best of him. He had two seizures and the local hospital told me if it happens again to take him to the medical facility in Meridian. That’s the hospital more than 40 miles away. It was hard enough when I was with him. I fear for his health now that we in different states.

You may be wondering why I’ve decided to write such a personal blog post. I’m posting because I want others to know if they are in a similar circumstance to have the courage to do what is necessary even when the naysayers start talking. Do what you think is best and do it without guilt. It’s taken me these past few months to get over the guilt of putting my dad in a home. If I hadn’t, we’d both be in dire straits. There is nothing wrong with caring for yourself because you can’t help someone else if you’re not well. Realize that doing the right thing is sometimes the hardest thing you can do. Don’t apologize for your choices. Only you have to deal with them.

And tell the naysayers to go to hell.