Happy Birthday to Us

Today is my son’s birthday. He looks much the same as he did when he was little boy. Yes, he’s grown taller and his voice is most certainly deeper. He has a beard, a thick head of hair and curses. I remind his about his language when we’re together. And no matter how old he gets, he’s still my baby boy.

Time goes by so quickly when you have a child. It seems the kid was just a kid several years ago. While you’re busy helping with homework, making cupcakes for school events and attending PTA meetings, you are so much in the moment that you never connect with time. When you head comes up from everything child related in your life, you realize that years have passed and you never got to really know your child. You child has become an adult and you didn’t have the chance to take notice of this adult in the making.

It has been difficult to reconcile the fact that my son is a grown man with a life of his own. I cried the first day I took him to school as did he. I watched as he made friends and had sleepovers. I took him to his first dance with his first girlfriend. I waited patiently for him to come home just before his 11pm curfew. I remember the conversation we had about him losing his virginity. I cried as he walked across the stage when he received his high school diploma. And I watched him walk to the bus stop as he left for his first day of college. Yet with all these memories and more, it never once occurred to me that he would become a man. Yes, I dreamed of him as a man. I wanted him to live through big city violence and police profiling to become a man. But I was so busy being his mother that I had no time to see him as a distinct human being. And that’s the real tragedy of motherhood.

I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday because for me, it was just yesterday. I saw that wizened face with the little arms drawn up and I was head over heels in love. At that moment, I knew I would give up everything in order for this child to live. Like every mother before me and probably every mother to be, I experienced the thrill of unconditional love.

Every mother knows this feeling and it doesn’t matter if you’ve given birth to the child or whether an agency places that child in your arms. You are a mother and it is a badge worn proudly until the day you die.

And with all this love and joy, I still wonder in my quiet moments what my life would have been like had my son not been born.

Any mother who says she has not wondered this is either fooling herself or lying. Mostly likely, she’s doing both. Society frowns on that type of speculation. So be it. Frown away if that makes you happy. But it doesn’t stop me from wondering what I could have done or where might I have gone. Would I have travelled around the world as I had planned? Would I become the great newspaper reporter I wanted to be? Would I have moved to Los Angeles and followed my dream of being a producer? Would I have remained single, being free to take lovers as I choose? Would my life have been the adventure I thought it would be if only I hadn’t had a child?

There are no answers to those questions. I can only answer that those dreams did not come to pass. But now that my son is an adult and living his own life, I can still make some of those dreams a reality. I’m not too old and feeble to travel and my passport is up to date. I am still a good writer and I have the clips to prove it. I can move to Los Angeles and look up some folks I know in the entertainment industry. If I were willing to cheat on my husband, I could certainly have a lover or two but I don’t have the inclination. There is still adventure to be had. It may not be what I had in mind when I was in my 20’s, 30’s or 40’s but adventure is always waiting if you’re willing follow its lead.

So not only is it my son’s birthday, it’s also mine. His birthday has given me as much freedom as it has given him. I’ve been the best mother I could possibly be. My son can vouch for that. He’s had the best childhood I could give him. He’s well travelled and well read. He is a published author and works with youth at his high school alma mater. He is living his life honorably with nothing detrimental in his way. He is only hampered by the limitations he may place upon himself. I have given him all that I can and it is up to him to determine if he wants to be all that he can be.

I love my son. I would never trade the experience of being his mother. He gave as much to me as I have given him. After life, the greatest gift I can give to him is to release him from being my baby. And the best gift he can give to me is to accept it.