We’ve all grown up hearing only two things are certain, death and taxes. If you’re rich in America, only one of these is true. The other is a non-issue. Obviously I’m speaking of death. Once we’re born, every day we live brings us one day closer to death. It’s a very sobering thought and one most people avoid. We spend vast amounts of time and money trying to stave off the inevitable. And death IS inevitable. It is the one appointment we can’t cancel or reschedule. Death sets its own timetable for each of us. Thus the only thing we control in terms of death is how we meet it and that’s only if we have the luxury of knowing when it’s coming. If you die in an accident or meet your end in an act of violence, you don’t even have the luxury of facing death on your terms.
Why, you may ask, am I doing a post on death instead of focusing on any myriad of subjects? The short answer is because I want to explore death and time. The real answer is somewhat different. Death scares me and fascinates me. I’m not the only one. Check out almost any Woody Allen movie. He spends a great deal of time on the subject of death. Ask the average person if he is afraid of death and I would bet that person would say yes. However what we really fear is not so much death at all but what happens after we die.
The faithful among us believe there is some form of life after death. We go to heaven or hell or purgatory. That is all predicated on how we live now. Others believe we become part of the cosmos, having no form or shape but constantly moving through the solar system in never-ending time. Some believe we are reincarnated to other forms or people which is once again, predicated upon how we live each previous life because we never cease to exist. Finally there are those who believe death is the end. We return to earth as the dust to be walked upon as the others who have preceded us. Me, I’m not so sure and that uncertainty is what scares me the most. I don’t have enough faith in any of these scenarios to give me comfort.
That discomfort is funny given that one of my favorite shows recently aired is series finale and its focus was death. I’m speaking of Showtime’s’ original series, The Big C.
The show stars Laura Linney and Oliver Platt and the basic premise is the journey of one woman’s exploration as she deals with impending death. Cathy Jamison, played by Laura Linney, is a suburban wife, mother and high school teacher who is diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma. The series follows her as she attempts to cope with the news, tell her family and live as well and as fully as possible to the end. For the sake of time, I’ve given you the Readers Digest version of the show. There is plenty to tell and great story lines that take place and memorable characters played by Idris Elba, Susan Sarandon, Alan Alda, Brian Dennehy and Gabourey Sidibe to name a few.
Needless to say, the humor can be dark and situations sad. Some people die very unexpectedly and others fade out of existence just as in real life. But the real coup is the choices Cathy makes as she faces her death. I’d like to believe I am capable of the courage, humor, strength and compassion she shows throughout her ordeal. But I don’t think I am. After all, Linney is playing a fictional character whose entire existence is written by someone who has the luxury of planning someone’s demise. The show’s creator has the luxury of knowing who will live, who will die and when. She knows what’s going to happen in the future and the impact of each character that crosses Cathy’s path. She knows when Cathy is going to die and how. She knows if Cathy will be alone or surrounded by family and friends. She knows it all. In essence, she is Cathy’s version of God.
The rest of us are not so lucky but then again, maybe we are. Like Cathy, none of us really knows if our number is coming up today, a month, a year or a decade from now. We just know it’s coming. We don’t know who is going to go before us although we do know on that last day everyone we know who is alive is surely going after. We don’t know what drink will be the last one, what movie will be the last one seen or if we are going to wake up the next day. We just assume we are because that is what makes life worth living.
Let’s think about this for a moment. If you knew your actual expiration date, would you be jerking around with something you could have finished ages ago? If you knew you had a date with death at a specific time, would you be sitting around bitching about things or would you be out with your friends and/or family enjoying them? Would you try to travel to that place you’ve dreamed of or at least visit a museum or art gallery or restaurant that embodies that culture? Would you try to read every book you’ve wanted but couldn’t find the time for? Would you take the time to try out a hobby or a sport that you’ve wanted?
The great thing about expiration dates is that it gives you a limit. As a journalist, I do my best writing when I’m on deadline. I’m extremely focused and the words seem to flow because I know my piece has to be turned in on time. That’s why I set a deadline for my posts. It’s a non-negotiable promise to my readers and promises are final. Without a deadline, I can piss off and never finish a single essay.
It’s funny when you thing about it, how much of what we do is governed by deadlines. Every bill you pay has a pay date. Every contract has a time limit. Our lives are governed by time. Job seniority, presidential terms, insurance policies, school – every facet of our lives is governed by a deadline and yet we live as though our time is unlimited. I’ve got a surprise for you, my friend. Time is unlimited. Your time is not. We all have an expiration date.
By now, you may be wondering where I’m going with this diatribe on time and death. I’m not really sure myself other than to give you and me a wakeup call. I do know I’ve wasted a lot of my time on people, groups and situations that were unworthy of it. From now on, I intend to be more judicious about my precious commodity. I used to spend every day worrying about all the things I had to do and that there was not enough time to do them all. I used to feel guilty about taking a couple of hours to do nothing or do something I wanted to do. I used to spend sleepless nights worrying about what I hadn’t done and what I needed to do. NO MORE!
What I’m choosing to do instead is to spend my time doing more of the things I enjoy with the people I love. I’m going to do work that inspires me and helps others because this gives me joy. I’m going to watch the idiotic TV shows that make me laugh like World’s Dumbest with no shame. I’m going to let the people I love know that I love them. I’m going to travel as much as I can and eat every cuisine I want. I’m going to take better care of this temple commonly known as my body. I’m going to sit in the sun doing absolutely nothing for as long as I want, skin cancer be damned. I’m going to do all these things and more because I can. I may not be able to choose when and how and where I die. But I can certainly choose how I want to live just like The Big C’s Cathy Jamison.
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